"If she says that doing this gives her an orgasm, I would be inclined to believe it, for once."
Today was the day of my monthly visit with my psychological support provider.
"Why monthly", you say, "when my shrink wants to see my sorry ass every damn week?"
Well, when it started, it was once every two weeks, then every three, now it is once a month, hopefully it will become once every two months.
It is Public Health Service, babe - they allot time on how dangerous one is, to himself or others, not on how much money they can squeeze out of his pocket.
So my mild depression clearly takes a back-seat on the goat-shepherd that dreams to shag his own daughter(s), and the guys that attempted suicide.
So, I was there, commenting "nothing new, really", and the discourse went back to my SM allegiance.
Because the lady - she is a she of about my age, which is better, because my issues mainly stem from my less than spectacular relationship with womankind and a he younger than me, like my previous therapist, worked nothing on that respect - has always been puzzled by it.
After all, I am really a god-damn anarchist at heart, so I kind of laugh my ass off at many of the classic D/s tropes, and I do not really like the ideas of inflicting pain on anyone just for the sake of it, which isn't exactly Sadistic. My "the important is that she gets off from it" is quite uncharacteristic of the category, to say.
What it boils really down to is that I can't really, really, really trust women with normal sex.
You know the drill... everyone has met - or is, or has been - a woman who could not get there with her companion, yet faked orgasms for his sake.
Maybe it was done to not disparage his efforts, out of politeness, sympathy, desire to maintain an otherwise satisfying relationship, pity etc.
Maybe it was for pure and simply evil manipulation purposes, boredom, control mania.
The reasons why a woman may decide to pretend that she enjoys intercourse with someone, while she really just tolerates it, are as numerous as are the reasons to do any other little thing in life.
Like many of those, also, not all of them are nefarious - "He is a sweet man and I do not want to make him feel bad" doesn't exactly sound much evil-mastermind-y.
Unfortunately, both my parents spent my childhood teaching me that women were manipulative whores.
Yes, both dad - whose entire life philosophy was "women are whores, and friends enter your house, shag your wife and then bled you dry, cheating you out of money and job opportunities before disappearing" - and mommy - who went along with a more sober "all [other] women are whores that you have to stay away from, as much as possible" .
Needless to say (really?), it is not exactly so.
Rationally, I know it - as well as I know that, when it comes at manipulative bitches, my mother is second to none, stealthy as she is with her whole "victim-hood" act.
But when it comes to guts feelings?
When it comes to that, I can't really help but think that every woman that has an orgasm through "normal" sex - more important, normal sex... with me! - is really just faking it. Worse, that she is faking it for some nefarious - logically impossible to ascertain, but try to prove a privative like, say, the non-existence of the invisible pink unicorn - hidden purpose.
It does not really help the fact that some women do so - the 20-something model marrying the 60-something millionaire is an usual suspect of this - or that virtually every woman has faked the damn thing, some time.
It doesn't help at all that the perspective of ending up with yet another manipulative bitch - my mother put to shame even the most money-obsessed professional prostitute that I met in my life - as a significant one scares the pants out of me.
So, women and normal sex... I can't trust them, not even the proverbial "as much as I throw them".
When I look at the kind of masochism that I usually draw, I see a pay-off and risks matrix that is quite different - faking orgasm is still possible, but no gain available at my level would justify the risks involved.
More so, not when there are tons of much more interesting men available, waiting and eager to be duped in the far less risky, "vanilla" game.
So, I read the whole SM game as truer than the "vanilla" ass-pull.
I know, I know... I am fragged.